Welcome to Ontario
Just in Time for Summer Vacation
THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers!

1.        Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2.        Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.
3.        Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4.        They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 7 & 401 goes east and west, Hwy 15 & 416 goes north and south. Pick one.
5.        So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6.        So every person in rural Ontario waves. It's called 'being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7.        If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8.        Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9.        The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10.  We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11.  There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12.  When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13.  You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14.  You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15.  Ontario Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Maple Leafs and Montreal Habs, and more fun to watch.
16.  Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
17.  Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18.  We have a whole ton of folks in the Armed Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
19.  Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
20.  TWO inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair

 Over 50% of your clothing came from feed or seed dealers

 You have used baling wire to attach a license plate

 You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population,herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday

 You don't bother to clean up the dog's mess because it's just fertilizer, and the dog knows to stay out of your way.

 Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.

 You know you should listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

 You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway

 You have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty.

 You listen to "Paul Harvey" every day at noon.

 You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair.

 You have the number of the Co-op on speed dial

You go to the State Fair for your family vacation.

Your car breaks down outside of town and news of it gets back to town before you do.

 You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops

You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night.

You have used something other than paper as a toilet tissue.

You have animals living in buildings more expensive than your house

Family weddings and special events are planned around spring planting and fall harvest

You've been stopped by the police for a cluttered dashboard

The meaning of true love is that you'll ride in the tractor with him.

During a storm you check the cattle before you check the kids

You are related to more than half the town.

You try to find the cheapest room rates when going out of town.

You wear your boots to church.

Your main drag in town is two blocks long.   

On Feb. 7 I got to go snowboarding for the first time in my life.
$70 for lessons/rentals/lift pass
+ barely 0C weather
+ 3 friends
+ 6 hours
+ countless tumbles
+ 1 visible bruise (on hypothenar eminance of right thumb)
+ 1 very sore coccyx
=one saturday with absolutely no regrets!